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Recently in the “blogosphere”, Stuff White People Like
has become a real must read. Basically, the blog posts daily or so on a different topic that “White People” like. By white people, SWPL means affluent and informed white people. By “stuff”, SWPL means things that THESE white people like only for the sake of achieving a more with-it existence. While I feel like I half see the humor in SWPL and half am annoyed by lameness of a giant hipster-blog inside joke (the actual breakdown is 25% amused, 50% annoyed, 25% Who gives a…), SWPL has inspired me to list some of the things I hate about actual white people. There’s no loathing like self-loathing.

1) Political correctness. Lets invent inaccurate terms in order to classify people by race without offending anyone.

2) “…All music except for rap and country”. This is the prefered genre of music for most white people. Under these conditions, most white people should like Gregorian Chant or Bubble Gum Pop (like Paris Hilton) just fine, but loathe both Johnny Cash and Outkast.

3) Dane Cook. If you yell weird statements, people will laugh. Its hilarious. Keep on seeing his critically acclaimed film work. Nevermind that he steals jokes from actually funny comedians (Louis C.K. for one) and then manages to ruin them.

4) The City of Boston. I’ve never seen so many white people in a city at the same time. Most social functions end at 10 pm. Most white people hype up Boston to be a mix of “Our Town” and Eden, but it comes across more so like a never ending episode of “Friends”. Did I mention that nothing goes on after midnight?

5) Chinos. Its a dumb name for a boring pair of pants. Its a shame that this had to be adopted as the official uniform for unimportant office jobs nationally.

6) Primary Elections that don’t make sense. White people set up these arcane rules and currently have left us with a system that will fail to select a Democratic Candidate for President via an a truly democratic process (i.e. Voting!)

7) Love College Sports/Hate Pro Sports. College athletes try so much harder than pro athletes huh? Better yet, college athletes you love instantly become selfish pro athletes overnight, right? And pro athletes are so lazy, especially since all they do is play twice or thrice as many games as collegiates. And they have no effort to play hard, its not like anyone can ever take their jobs right? Anyone consider that all of that “hard play” is more a by product of a sloppier game with sub-professional level athletes that can’t make the game look effortless?

Last names as first names, for both boys and girls! Ridiculous. Its cool for latinos (Anderson Deco, Robinson Cano) because its an addition culturally, but for white people (Anderson Cooper, Madison Sinclair) these names are only attempts to artificially increase ones blue blood count.

9) Loudly hollering Journey songs in college bars. I hate Journey. The music itself is camp, but to yell along en masse at a bar is just aggravating. The music sucks. More importantly, its 20 years old. The same holds true for Bon Jovi songs and Neil Diamond songs. They were ok then, they are overplayed shit now, stop singing them in bars. (Bars, stop playing them!).

The more I list, the more I could list, but before I build up a greater self-hatred of whitey, I am going to stop, perhaps to pick up on another day when I can tolerate all these annoyances of my own race.

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