The Bocker.com

As you may know by now its Valentine’s Day, and of course we at The Bocker just had to put up a Valentine’s Day post. But, being the pessimists that we are, we couldn’t just post about how great this holiday is and how wonderful it is to be in a relationship. So we decided to give you our 10 worst couples of all time. This isn’t necessarily the top 10 worst couples, it’s simply the 10 couples we had a problem with for one reason or another. Feel free to email us with your additions and let us know why our list is wrong.

Roger Clemens and Brian McNamee

I had to start off with the couple that has been in the news recently. This couple makes the list for the epic break up they have had. They used to be so close that Clemens allowed McNamee to poke a needle into his bare backside. I’m not sure there’s anyone other than my mother I’d feel comfortable enough to let do that. Now they are yelling at each other and playing “he said, she said” in front of Congress. Clemens says the duo was once really close, but McNamee was apparently paranoid enough to keep evidence that he administered steroids to Clemens. Kind of like a wife getting ready for divorce by keeping documents of her husband’s transgressions. To read more about their fall out, check out Anthony’s comprehensive post.

Angelina Jolie and Billy Bob Thornton

This was during Jolie’s “crazy” time, where she was making out with her brother and having sex on the way to awards shows. To me, this isn’t a case of beauty and the beast, because Thornton isn’t Brad Pitt but he’s also not Elephant Man. He’s skinny and old looking and he looks like a regular guy. Jolie just seemed to be infatuated with him, like he was drugging her or something. She even got his name tattooed on her body, which I think she’s done with other boyfriends, but I’m not sure. The duo even went so far as to wear a vial of each other’s blood around their necks. They were married for three wild years and their break up was a surprise to even Jolie. “It took me by surprise, too,” she says, “because overnight, we totally changed.I think one day we had just nothing in common. And it’s scary but . . . I think it can happen when you get involved and you don’t know yourself yet. It’s taken me a while to grow up, and I still think I’m not even close to it yet. So I’ve kind of had to check myself: Don’t even consider a relationship for another seven, eight years.” Of course she had Brad Pitt’s baby three years later. (Quote courtesy of Vogue.)

Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez

This was simply a tabloid marriage. Did anyone believe that these to were really into each other? The best thing, or worst depending on your views, to come out of this relationship was the word “Benifer”, which I believe is in the next edition of Webster’s. Power couples never seem to work out the way they are planned.

Micky and Minnie Mouse

This couple always bored me. I get it, they’re in love, everything is perfect, blah, blah, blah. I like excitement in my imaginary relationships. I want intrigue, I want tension, I want passion, I want to believe. Micky and Minnie just always left me bored. They pale in comparison to Kermit and Miss Piggy.

Robin Givens and Mike Tyson

I think these two met because they are both insane but it ended almost as quickly as it started. These two are the poster children for why mentally unstable people should never be paired off. It always ends in fisticuffs and tears.

Samson and Delilah

This is example one for why men should never trust women with everything. Here was a guy who had it all, strenght, money, power, and he made the mistake of telling his girlfriend his only weakness. Samson was basically a god and one night he gets drunk and it’s all over. Of course, many people use this as an example of how women are smarter than men. If Samson really cared he could have worn a helmet or something. I mean c’mon guy, protect your assets!

Superman and Lois Lane

This couple is here because I just don’t believe they were ever happy. I know it’s Superman and all but I could see Lois getting jealous of all the adulation he gets, how everything comes so easy to him, how he’s always so damn nice. Not to mention, do you really think Superman takes out the trash, or washes the dishes, or cooks dinner even? I mean, he’s Superman, why should he do such ordinary things? I could see him being very bored and self-centered. And, I don’t want to spread any rumors or anything, but I’ve heard he’s not exactly the bee’s knees in bed. I mean how would you feel if you were married to Superman and he wasn’t exactly “super” in the bedroom? Disappointed to say the least.

Rachel and Ross

These are the two “lovers” from Friends, that show that everyone seemed to be in love with. Their relationship boiled down to 10 years of “will they, won’t they” and excuse me if I just could care less. They were both whiners who didn’t want to make the bold step and tell each other they were in love, and I think they got together and broke up a few times even. The final episode was big because people were anticipating them getting together and living happily ever after and…excuse me while I go throw up. It didn’t help that the always confused looking David Schwimmer and the well-coiffed Jennifer Aniston played the characters. It was like watching two losers dupe themselves into having feelings for each other and then crying about it when it turned out they were both too spineless to step up to the plate. If it’s not obvious, I’m glad the show is off the air.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

This relationship is historic for not only marking the beginning of the insane years for Tom Cruise, but also for the end of the woman formerly known as Katie Holmes. I was never a big Katie Holmes fan but she at least used to be a person with feelings and hopes and dreams. Now I’m fairly certain that she’s been replaced with a pod-person. She’s head over heels for Tom Cruise? Really?! I don’t know what they did to her up in that Scientology processing center but it really is sad to watch a person disintegrate like that. I hear Tom Cruise is a great guy and he sounds nice and all but I can only imagine what that home life is like. With him jumping all over the furniture and dancing in his underwear to the sounds of Bob Seger.

Carrot Top and Anyone

I know, making Carrot Top your punchline was old ten years ago, but I found this picture of him and he seemed like the perfect end to this post. Just look at the picture and ask yourself how he gets good looking women to go out with him? You don’t even have to factor in his comedy, just look at the picture.

And since I can’t leave you guys with that nightmarish image, here is a picture of a cute puppy dog. Happy Valentine’s Day to you and yours!